Saluda Lifestyles - October Article

MY DAUGHTER, THE VIKING QUEEN

Our second daughter, who is now in her forties, was always an unique
child. She was so cute...black hair and a big smile. People often
mistook her to be a cute Eskimo.

Although she wasn't a fat baby, she was heavy. My wife and I would
laugh when people would try to pick her up. They really had to
strain. We just said she was "big boned".

When she went to school, she was taller than kids her age. She was
relatively thin during most of high school and college. But still the
scales weighed her heavy.

She is quite the sportswoman....swimming, volleyball, soccer. But it
plaqued her that she was always overweight. She would diet, but with
little longterm success.

The last time she visited us, she quite seriously confessed to me: "I
think I am a Viking. I am sure my DNA would prove it."

She pointed out that she had more than a dozen aunts and cousins who
were more than 6 feet tall. She was sure their DNA would show them to
be Vikings as well.

"I'm not getting on the scales any more," she told me. "I'm
concentrating on being healthy and happy. I'm going to be a Viking
Queen."

I told her I thought that was a great idea. "Just don't start wearing
a horned hat like
the Vikings did."

She now swims every day, training for the Senior Olympics. When she
is old enough, she wants to be ready. And if they call her a Viking
Queen, she will be happy.

If you see a tall woman paddling a kayak on Lake Sheila (and if she is
wearing a Viking hat), it is probably her. Especially if she has her
volleyball team with her or
her cousins. They're all Viking Queens.

Listen to Your Elders.

Chances are good that they are over-medicated. They may sound a
little crazy but.then again, they may just be speaking the truth. I
would advise you to listen to them, and not necessarily to the doctors
or nurses.

My dear mother in law was in a nursing home for nearly 8 years. When I
would go visit, she sometimes had stories to tell me of things that
she saw on TV. One day she wanted me to guess who she had seen the
night before. I guessed
"Perry Como." She loved Perry. But she said, "No, not Perry. I saw
Celeste Holme
on Batman. She was Catwoman."

"Are you sure it was Celeste? Maybe she was dressed like a Nun. She
played a Nun
often," I suggested.

"NO. She was Catwoman...and a fierce one at that."

I should be ashamed to say that I laughed out loud.But she just told
me to look it up in the TV Guide. I told her you couldn't believe
everything in the newspaper. buy she assured me she had seen it with
her own eyes. The nurse said she had been taking El Dopo, a medicine
that gave patients hallucinations and I let it drop.

But when I got home, I told my wife and we had a good laugh about it.

"Was Bing Crosby in the movie?" my wife wanted to know. I should have
asked her.

The TV Guide was nearby and I didn't even have to look up last night's
listings. There was a four-color photo on the cover of
Celeste...=dressed as The Catwoman.

"Oh my God," I exclaimed. "I tried to convince your Mother that she
was a little dopey
to ever think that Celeste would be Batman's enemy. Of course, she
was known for
taking any part at that time in her life. I would have bet good money
that she was dead."

Well, now she IS dead. Thirty six years later. My Mother-in Law has
passed a long time ago so I can't really apologize to her. I am sure
she is in Heaven yelling down at me, "You SOB. I told you she was
Catwoman."

Saluda Lifestyle Article, July

13 FOOT ALLIGATOR BIG AS A TRUNK

The Critter Management patrol on Hilton Head Island captured a 13 foot
long alligator
that could easily be a trunk if somebody put handles on him. He had
been harassing tourists and residents for a long time and was
consideered The Loch Ness
Monster of Hilton Head. After chasing him relentlessly for days, the
patrol finally captured him. He had to be "put down" because he had
become such a dangerous
pest.

"How dangerous?", you may ask. Just check all the stuff they found
inside of him
when they did the autopsy.

First of all they found another entire alligator inside...4 feet long
and he was apparently being held for a later feast. It was like those
carved wooden Russian
dolls whee one is inside another. A good idea for a tourist trinket.

Then there was one undigested tennis shoe...no foot inside. The
alligator was probably hoping to get three more shoes or three more
feet. In spite of signs warning people not to feed the alligators,
some people still dangle their feet in the
lagoons while fishing.
They are perfect bait for alligators.

They also found about 50 pounds of lead sinkers, dozens of fishing
hooks including
lines.

He must have been a sports fan because they found a couple of tennis
balls, two baseballs, some unidentified partially digested balls...and
a beer can. They also found nearly 50 rocks of various kinds as well
as two whole turtles which are surely
difficult to digest.

You can imagine what that alligator might have swalled that he could
easily digest...so keep your feet ou of the creek.

Saluda Lifestyles - May Essay

WE ARE BEING INVADED

Down here in the Low Country of South Carolina, we are being
invaded by nasty critters. They arent aliens from outer space. They
are wild hogs, coyotes and armadillos. Now they are headed your
way......toward Saluda. The wild hogs and coyotes at least, but not
the armadillos. The armadillos are headed north but they are staying
close to the shoreline. (If they make it to New York, I'm sure some
designer will say "Cute purse" and armadillo purses will be the next
fashion statement.)

South Carolina has declared a special hunting season to clear out
these pesky invaders.

Now they might have to add Turkeys to the list.

A woman in North Carolina was housebound for days by a 45 pound
turkey that was stalking her. She couldn't even get out to get to her
car without the bird chasing her. She finally called a friend of hers
but when he came over in his car, the turkey wouldn't let him get out.
Stalked him as well.

Critter management people suggested the woman should get a big
umbrella, open it and approach the turkey. I think the idea was for
her to diguise herself as a bigger turkey.

I'm not sure how the whole thing turned out but there have been
reports of a large turkey carrying an umbrella out by Lake Sheila. He
has painted it like the NBC logo....trying to make people think he's a
peacock.

We had a huge turkey here on Hilton Head Island.....he wandered
around on a green and shady medium on a busy highway. He was there
for days. Nobody dared approached him. But finally one night he
disappeared. Someone saw him getting into a van with a dozen
Mexicans. He's probably a burrito by now.

April Lifestyles

February Lifestyle Artic;e

ARE BLACKBIRDS SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER?

They are very smart birds. They speak two languages. Really. They
have one dialect that warns their friends of impending danger. It is
very noisyl
The other one is quieter and they use this
one in everyday conversation with their friends.

My wife hates blackbirds. Sne says they intimadate other birds,
especially smaller ones.
She also hatest the noise. But I'm deaf so the noise doesn't bother
me at all. I think the blackbirds remind her of a Alfred Hitchcok
movie

They hardly ever travel alone. If you see one blackbird, you can be
fairly certain that one
or more are nearby. I have a beautifully illustrated book that claims
you can tell the future
by how many blackbirds you see in your yard. One bird forecasts a
death to come. I think that's right. Two means something
else...three something else. Fortune tellers probably use the book
for reading your fortune. I don't put much stock in the book actually

I don't think my wife likes the idea of birds that are smarter than
her grandchildren.

Apparently there are more 50 species of the common blackbird.
Goodness knows how you tell the difference. They are all black. I
know they come in different sizes. But they all strut the same way.
I love to watch them wallk across the yard. And , my wife is
right...they hog the birdfeeder and make smaller birds get out of the
way. It is a dog eat dog world, as they say.