I am very good about making New Year's Resolutions. I'm just not worth a darn in keeping any of them.
Five years ago I decided to simplify my resolutions. But the list down from 43 or so to just 5 good ones. I had way too many. I wanted to pick 5 that were really worthwhile.
Here it is five years later and I have the same resolutions. Each year I just scratch out the date at the top of the page and insert a new date. 2008 coming up!
My number one resolution is always to lose weight. I don't put how many pounds I want to lose. But it's a lot. A friend told me I was so fat it was like carrying an overweight housewife around all day. Along with her Kirby vacuum cleaner. Those things weigh a ton. I keep gaining weight every year but I think it's the woman that's gaining the weight. It's no wonder I move slowly. It wouldn't be so bad if she would vacuum once in a while while I waddle around.
My number two resolution is always to clean my office and get organized. I don't really care about this one. I just put it on the list mainly for my wife. She thinks I need to get organized. She's afraid I am going to die and she will have to deal with all the stuff. Personally I think being organized is highly overrated. You file stuff away and you have no idea what you have or where you put it. Last year I hit upon the idea of putting everything in stacks and putting the stacks behind me so they are out of sight. This way I feel organized. Out of sight; organized. I used to have an assistant and she filed all my stuff. Or so I thought. She put it in file drawers chronologically. When I would ask her for a certain thing she would always ask me, "When was that Mr. Adams?" And then she would start searching.
One of my other resolutions is to read one good book a month. I've since scratched out "a month" and also the word "good". That should make it easier.
My goal to get healthy is giving me a lot of trouble. I've had cancer surgery, six eye operations, and a stroke which I have been recovering from for the past five months. Don't get me wrong. I'm not whining. I know that doo-doo happens. And I was brought up to accept things as God's will. But I am beginning to wonder, WHY ME?
What I really want to do this year is WAIL. I want to build a Wailing Wall out back. I admire those old middle eastern women who are out wailing their lungs out. They are not crying. They are wailing. And I think it's probably very therapeutic. I've tried it a few times. It always makes the dog bark and my wife yells, "Stop that wailing you crazy old man." But so be it. I plan to wail if my newspaper gets wet. I'll wail when I misplace my keys. WAIL, WAIL, WAIL. I may let my neighbors come over and wail at the Wailing Wall. We might have to have certain hours for
wailing so we don't become a public nuisance.
I've joined a gym and I have a personal trainer now. This is part of my quest to get healthy and fit. I almost didn't join because they had a 5-page questionnaire you had to complete. One question was: have you ever been on a diet? I said: Yes. Then they asked: Did you lose weight? I said: Yes. They wanted to know how much weight I lost. I said: 3 pounds. They asked: How long were you on a diet? I said: 32 Years. Which is the truth.
My trainer is a cute woman so I will probably continue to go. My therapist before this was a guy who looked like a chipmunk. He was a drum major in school and wore a kilt. He wouldn't tell me whether he wore underwear or not. But I'm sure he did. He wouldn't be a high-stepping drum major without his drawers on.
At the gym they have big colorful rubber balls in the back. People use them to exercise. I thought they were training seals. When I found out that people lay across these balls and do various exercises, I told her flat out that I wasn't getting on a ball. And I want to take this opportunity to say publicly to the person who invented these balls for exercise: STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. Whatever happened to touching your toes?
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