Having been in and out of rehab hospitals in the past seven years...and currently in one for seven months trying to recover from a broken ankle..
I can pretty much say with conviction that there are no normal people on the patient roster. So when I met my new neighbor two doors down, I was not surprised that he was in his doorway, dressed with a small suitcase by his wheelchair, looking ready to go.
I asked him, "Coming or going?"
He sort of shrugged and said he didn't know.
He caught me by surprise when he told me he just returned from heaven.
"Why did you come back?" I asked.
"I didn't have a choice."
"So you got kicked out of heaven?"
"I apparently got kicked in and kicked out."
Guess St. Peter didn't like the answers to his questions.
"No, it wasn't that. I didn't even see St. Peter or anyone for that matter."
"So how did you know you were in heaven?"
"There was a roadsign that said WELCOME TO HEAVEN (if you are a sinner and you know it turn around and go to hell).
I kept going. When I got to heaven everything was all a vibrant green...thousands of green acres. It looked like Kansas."
"Maybe it was Kansas," I suggested. "Maybe you were in the land of Oz."
"I don't think so because a phone rang and a voice said there was a slight backlog in processing...to be patient...say the Lord's prayer or sing something appropriate, we will be with you soon. I sang 'Hey Jude'.
It's funny that it only took a second or two to get up to heaven. Then fifteen minutes or more to be processed.
"I went up in a puff of smoke. Cigarette smoke. I was taking a last drag on my cigarrete before i went to bed. Poof. Cloud of smoke to heaven's door.
I feel certain I will be going back. That's why I have my clothes packed."
I would think they would give you a robe or something more appropriate than a pair of jeans from Old Navy, and I would ditch the t-shirt that says "I got here from Uranus". I was curious about his first visit to heaven.
"Were the streets paved with gold. My grandmother was sure they would be. Even an eight year old boy like myself at the time wondered why."
"No gold streets. No streets at all where I was. Just vast green fields. No houses or anything, I was not disappointed. Soon the phone rang and it was a welcomer that tried to explain the rules. They had a very sophisticated electronic system that could read your thoughts, words and deeds. Which means you don't think about sex. You don't talk about sex. And God forbid, you don't do sex of any kind. I quickly asked, 'Not even in the privacy of your own shower?'
"And the voice said, 'especially not there. We know everything you think or do. Some things you get demerits for. Other things, you go straight to a big red bus, the size of a Greyhound bus . . . painted red with a sign that says: Non-Stop Bus to Hell. It leaves every Friday and it is filled to capacity. Seats 89, plus standing room. You don't want to be on that bus. It looks like they are having a grand time. Wait 'til they get to hell."
"So you got sent back for some transgression?"
"I don't think so. The voice on the phone said there were no rooms at the inn, but there probably will be by Friday. Just sit tight. We will bring you back. So that's what i'm doing."
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