WHO IS THAT MAN IN THE RED SUIT?

I like Santa Claus.  But  I never liked the fact that my parents lied to me about him being the

real thing.  Even when I was five years old I could figure out that some fat guy in a red suit wasn't going to be able to land on our roof with a herd of flying raindeer.  And then to come down our chimney with a bag of toys.  I had a vivid imagination, don't get me wrong.  But I remembered that the wolf that tried to blow down all the little pigs' houses had decided to come down the chimney of the one who had built with brick and he ended up in a pot of hot water and the three pigs ended up with Wolf Stew.  Besides, we didn't have an open fireplace and Santa would have ended up in a kerosene heater.  Now explain THAT to me Dad.

 

Actually I never spoke aloud my thoughts about Santa being a fake.  I mean, why should I?  Somebody was putting gifts under the Christmas tree every year and if I turned the spotlight on

him, the gifts may have stopped.  So I kept my little skeptical mouth shut...I think I was 22 or

23 years old when I confessed that I was a non-believer. 

 

But parents tend to lie about everything.  Think of the Tooth Fairy.  Now why do they have to

think up such a stupid fairy.  Thank goodness he didn't give much for a tooth or I would have

pulled out every one in my mouth just to get the money.  I remember distinctly the first time

I went to the dentist...we lived in Charleston...I was 8 years old.  We went on the bus and as

we rode in to town I asked my Father where we were going.  He said to the dentist.  I wanted to know if it was going to hurt.  He laughed and said, "Of course it's not going to hurt.  Don't be silly."  Well, liar liar pants on fire.  It did hurt because he yanked out one of my teeth.  And then I had to sit beside that my liar Father on the bus.

 

That's not the only time he lied.  Another time we took the bus one Saturday and when I asked

where we were going he just said, "We're going to see a man about a dog."  Of course this got me excited thinking we were going to get a dog as a pet.  But when we got off the bus we went into a doctor's office.  As we waited I tried to whisper to him about what was going on.  He didn't want to go into details but just said they were going to cut off a little of my penis.  "FOR WHAT?" I said too loudly.  It didn't make any sense to me.  None at all.  We went into the

doctor's office and he made me take off all my clothes, even my underwear.  He had me get on a table/bed and they started to give me ether.  I was suppose to count backwards from 10.

After one whiff and the count of 9, I jumped off the bed and ran out into the waiting room.  Sure

I was naked, but I didn't care.  My Father chased me and took me back in.  They had to get a couple of male volunteers from the waiting room to come hold me down while they gave me the

ether again.  I wasn't counting, but I was out before I knew it.  I didn't sit next to my Father on

the bus home.  I didn't speak to him even after I got home.  He tried to make up by offering to get me ice cream.  This wasn't like losing one tooth, you know.  I had a mouth full of teeth but

I only had one penis.  And to tell you the truth, I think the doctor may have cut off more than he had to because he was so angry at me for running off.  But there's no use crying over a severed...well you know the phrase.

 

As I was recovering, my Father came into the bedroom one day, sat on the bed and said,

"You still my boy?"  I didn't answer him at first.  But he asked me again.  Then I told him,

"I'm not going to be your boy if you keep lying to me."

 

When my daughters were growing up and had their first visit to the dentist,  they wanted to know if it would hurt.  I told the truth.  YES!  I didn't lie.  I told them it would hurt really badly...that it wasn't as bad as childbirth, but it would hurt.  I remember my oldest daughter

came out of the office saying, "Liar, liar. Pants on fire.  It didn't hurt at all."

 

When I was 5 years old we went to my Grandfather's house for Christmas.  We had a housefull

of people...all my cousins.  Suddenly there was a knock on the door and when we went to answer it, there stood Santa Claus.  A real live Santa Claus.  He was carrying a bag of toys

and a guitar.  Before he handed out stockings with our names on them, he played the guitar

and sang, "I'm Back In The Saddle Again".  I knew it wasn't Santa but thought it might be Gene

Autry in a Santa suit.  When he told me to get on his lap and tell him what I wanted for Christmas, I knew for sure it wasn't Santa.  I could smell the bourbon on his breath.  It was

Uncle Johnny for sure.  But, again, I didn't admit that I knew it wasn't Santa.  Maybe I am just

as big a liar by not admitting what I knew...but, you know, there were all those gifts every year

and I hated to risk them stopping. I was just a boy after all.

 

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An Herbal Remedy That Might Kill You 'With Joy

Medical people are now saying that lots of guys with erectile dysfunction are taking herbal remedies that are causing them to have heart attacks and dying.  Well it's a big price to pay

but if you die with an erection, you'll probably have a smile on your face.

Dogs From Baghdad

I love dogs but, honestly, I have never heard of such a stupid idea.  Someone has decided to

collect stray dogs in the city of Baghdad and they are shipping them to various places in the world to be adopted.  It's costing $4,000 a dog!  They must be flying First Class.  Of course they might be using some of that money to teach them to speak English. 

what's In Your Medicine Cabinet?

You better check it out because if you don't, one of your visitors will.  Everybody wants to look in other people's medicine cabinets.  And most people do. Admit it!  If you haven't looked in another

person's medicine cabinet, you've certainly wanted to as you stand there washing your hands and wondering what's behind the mirror.

 

It's called CURIOSITY.  The same thing that has killed all those cats.

 

I look. I don't mind saying it.

 

But I look very carefully. A friend of mine puts about 200 loose marbles in her medicine cabinet.

So if you take a peek without knowing what's inside, hundreds of marbles come bouncing out

and hitting the sink and her tile floor.  And she's usually outside the door laughing and asking,

"What's going on in there Nosey?"  She makes you pick them up.  I know because I've opened

the cabinet door before.  More than once.  I have a short memory.

 

Another friend of mine has a big sign inside that says: WHAT HE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

 

Another one has a big assortment of Adult Store "toys" just to get the neighbors talking.

 

My medicine cabinet is dull by comparison.  And  I don't care if people look in it.  It's filled with

dozens of half-used prescriptions....all of them are way out of date and I don't know what most

of them were for anyway.  Half the doctors who prescribed them are dead now.  I've got enough

prescription medicine to start my own drug store.  If I could only remember what they were for.

Must have worked however because I'm still alive.

 

I have a lot of stuff in little bottles with droppers.  But I don't know where you drop the stuff or

why.  There are two partially used bottles of Caldarom.  I think it's an herb of some kind.  A

naturepath doctor in the mountains sold it to me to cure a hand disease that had baffled four doctors who had prescribed various expensive hand creams.  The naturepath guy made me quit taking vitamins and other stuff...then I took the Caldarom drops in water. And like a miracle, my hands  were clear again.  (Sadly he got arrested soon after for murder...he was treating a young girl and had her quit taking her regular medications. She died and he went to the clinker.)

 

I have a bunch of grey whiskers on the top shelf.  A stack of them.  II was saving them for an art project but have  forgotten exactly what the art project entailed. But it will come to me one day...and I hope I can

remember where the whiskers are stored.

 

On that shelf I also have a tube of DARKIE TOOTHPASTE...it's suppose to whiten and brighten

your teeth. But I think you have to paint your face black like Al Jolson to make it really look

effective.  The guy on the tube of toothpaste looks like Al and it always makes me break out in

song.  Usually "Mammy".

 

That's pretty much it for the medicine cabinet itself.  But we have about l0 drawers.  My wife

keeps  her assigned drawers sort of neat.  She knows what's in each one.   I just sort of open

a drawer and throw whatever I have into it.  I have an unbelievable collection of crap in the drawers.

 

One drawer has seven razor blades.  All used.  I am taking a blood thinner medicine now and the doctor advises against using a razor to shave.  So I have grown a beard. I could throw the old razors away, but I don't really need the space.

 

I've got quite a collection of motel soaps, shampoos and lotions.  I figure you pay for all the

stuff they put out, so I take it with me.  I don't think I've ever used any of it. For one thing, you

can't get the wrapper off the soaps.  I can't imagine how they seal them so tight.  And if you

do get one open, the pungent odor breaks out into the room and your bathroom then smells

like a cheap motel for eternity.

 

I have eyewash, mouthwash and three partially used cans of shaving foam...a Dry Look hair spray(but I don't have any hair so it would make my head dry looking...I must have had this left over

from when I did have hair...and nobody can remember that far back).  I have Herbal Ed's salve

but I'm not sure where to apply it. I have a pencil sharpener and a pencil with white lead...you

use it to put the white under the tips of your fingernails when you want them to look neat.  Then

I have about four different fingernail clippers in various sizes.  Yet I can never find a single pair when I want to clip my nails.  I have some dog shampoo...although we haven't had a dog in years.  I guess I could really get rid of that but who knows when a dirty stray dog may wander

by and need a shampoo.  I want to be ready to clean him up.

 

 

Getting Ready for Fly Season

I hate flies.  And  I hate them most at this time of the year because as the weather gets colder

they start dying off.  And because they know they are going to die anyway, they start opening the door and coming in the house...flying around and landing on your nose...they know no fear.  They are like Kamikazi pilots with four feet.

 

I am not a hateful person by nature, but I sure hate flies.  I must have had a swarm of them attack me when I was a baby out for a stroll.  They probably ate my ice cream cone.

 

I am a collector.  I collect lots of different things.  If you have three of something, technically you have a "collection".  So I have a fly swatter collection.  My fly swatter collection includes one that

functions as a wall clock.  There's a big black fake fly on the second hand...so  as the clock ticks

away, the fly moves around.  I have another one that's shaped like a big screen hand.  Then I have some home made fly swatters...a friend of mine calls them "make do" fly swatters because they

were put together by poor people who had to use whatever was at hand to make them. One of my make do swatters has a ruler for a handle.  And I yell, "Joe Rules!" when I smash a fly with it.

 

I spent a summer in Maine one year...in a wildlife preserve.  And I think it must have been dedicated to preserving dreaded black flies.  They are the biggest and meanest flies I have ever

met.  And you never see a word about them when you read Maine tourism literature.  They are always writing about their lobsters, but their flies are bigger than lobsters..  If they showed the dreaded black flies in their literature, their tourism business would die out.  You need more than a regular fly swatter to combat these things.  I tried to hit one with a regular swatter and he grabbed it, swatted me on the head and flew away with it.  You can see why they aren't featured on Maine's website.

 

If you mention these black flies to somebody from Maine, the person will absolutely deny their existence.  It's like people from the coastal area of South Carolina who deny that we have huge

flying cockroaches.  We call them Palmetto Bugs. But a roach is a roach.  And you can't kill

these things with a fly swatter.  It's no use to put out one of those Roach Motels where the roaches

check in but they don't check out.  These South Carolina roaches don't check out because they

eat the motel.  I tell my wife, "you just have to learn to live with them."  But she still jumps up on the couch if one goes scampering by...as if they can't jump up on the couch.   The minute

she goes to bed, they all jump up in her spot, sit and watch tv.

 

The last time I was in Jackson, Mississippi, I stayed in a Brand Name Hotel.  My daughter makes my reservations and I have told her if the person who answers sounds forgeign, not

to make it.  I know this sounds discriminatory..and it is.  Quite a while ago, Indians (not

the American kind but the ones from India) have started buying up motels. First it was the

Mom and Pop type, but now they own chain and name brand ones.  When I got to Jackson

and checked in, there was a young college-looking guy at the desk...but the lobby was filled

with flies.  I mentioned this to the guy.  He just shrugged and said, "The place is owned by

Indians.  They don't kill anything.  They have a goat in their room." I don't think people should be in the hospitality business if they keep goats in their room.  And his comment is not

true about them not killing things.. They kill chickens.  And if they can kill chickens, they can damn well kill flies.  When I

went to my room,  it too was filled with flies.  I went back to the lobby and asked to have

the manager come down.  He did and I explained about the flies and that I wanted him to go

to Wal-Mart and get me a fly swatter.  But he started that routine about the fact that they might

be reincarnated relatives, etc.  I asked him, "Does your grandmother have big buggy eyes and

four legs with poop on them?  Because if she does, she is flying around in my room and I'm going to swat her with USA TODAY unless you get me a fly swatter."  He said he would come and collect the flies.  He actually shooed them out of the room with a towel.  I thought he would probably bring the goat down and let them light on him.

 

Why Can't We Have Everything?

People often wondere why we can't have it all. 

 

We can have it all.  We just can't have it all at the same time.  And if we did have it all at the same time, we wouldn't know what to do with it.

 

I MIGHT DIE TONIGHT

Or maybe not.  My doctor says I have sleep apena.  It's some new thing they've come up with to make you worry.  People who have it quit breathing while they are sleeping...and they die.   But generally they start breathing again...and start living again.

The doctor said, "You could die in your sleep." 

I told him I wouldn't mind going that way.  If you die in your sleep, you don't even know you're dead.

The conversation got me to thinking about death and dying.  Mainly the different ways one could die, and the many ways I don't want to go.  Not that you have control in the matter.

I would not want to be sucked into a batch of quicksand like Tarzan was always doing.  Fortunately he had his trusted monkey,
Cheetah nearby (star of "Are You Smarter Than a Hollywood Monkey").  Cheetah would run get a vine that allowed Tarzan to
get out.  Sometimes the bad guy would fall in, but Cheetah would not get the vine...he would just laugh hysterically.  I have
a feeling he would get the vine for some dried banana chips.

I wouldn't want to be run over by an l8 wheeler.  Even at a slow speed.  Or by a 4-wheeler for that matter.  No head-on crashes
either.  Or being suffocated by a white air bag.  (I got hit by a car once and my air bag came out.  Once the car settled, I was
fairly certain I was in Heaven and that the air bag was a white cloud.)

The ocean scares me.  And the things that live there.  I wouldn't want to be eaten by a shark, a barracuda, or an octopus.
Or even a gang of hungry crabs.  No piranahas or anything else that lives in the water.  I especially wouldn't want to be eaten by an alligator.  And don't say it couldn't happen because an 83-year-old woman here in South Carolina got eaten except for her feet.
I don't think the alligator liked her Crocs.

I hate snakes and wouldn't want to be eaten by one.  I've seen pictures of them swallowing live rabbits so somewhere there may be a snake that could swallow me (that I would almost like to see!).  No snake bites and no choking by a snake. I cut off my friendship
with a guy who bought a pet snake...a big one...and insisted on bringing the snake with him to social gatherings.  He was soon gathering by himself.

I wouldn't want to fall out of a tall redwood tree or have one fall on m.  Or be sawed in half at a sawmill...or by a poorly trained magician.

No beatings and no muggers, please.  I wouldn't want a brick building to fall on me...or even one brick.

I wouldn't want to be nailed o a cross or burned at the stake even if it meant that someone would make a movie about me or
that I would become a saint.  I'd rather help the poor.

I'm afraid of being put accidentally in a coffin while I am still alive.  I am a shallow breather, so I have told my cousins to
put a mirror under my nose when they come to the funeral home and make sure I am not buried alive.  It happens more
than you might imagine.

I don't want to be burned up (why do people say houses  burn down, but people burn up?).  A friend of mine wants to be
dro. pped into an active volcano when she passes on.  I just think she is too cheap to pay for a regular cremation.

No poison arrows, please.  Not even a plain one.  I can't believe that William Tell actually let someone shoot an apple
off of his head.

I'm not crazy about dying from natural disasters --- floods, earthquakes, volcanoes, hurricanes, tornadoes.  They seem to
be happening all the time.  One deaf man like me got hit by lightning and it restores his hearing.  But there have been
thousands of others who were fried like a big piece of bacon, so I'm not standing out in a storm flying a kite with a key on the
string.

I don't want to die after a long illness at home...or worse yet, aftere a long illness in a nursing home that would bankrupt mr.

I don't want to be hit on the head with a baseball at a Braves game.  Or even at a Little League game.  Or run over by a loose
racecar at the track.

I know you can't control how you are going to die unless you do it yourself which isn't my style.  But I hope it will be quiet and
painless with a smile on my face without my tongue hanging out.  (Have you ever noticed that funeral homes never put a smile
on anybody's face?  The dead always look so....dead.  I want a smile on my face with my teeth showing...maybe even have
my hand in my pants.)


F

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EATING YOUR HEART OUT...FOR PRIZE MONEY

I remember fondly when Ranlo Mill would set up long tables under the shade trees and bring in a truckload of ripe watermelons for their annual Watermelon Eating Contest.

 

I don't know why I thought I could  win,  but every year I dreamed of winning.  Nobody ever remembered who won even a week later so fame was fleeting.  But yet I yearned to win.

 

Men would slice up dozens of watermelonons and we would gather around the table and start

eating, saving empty rinds to prove what we ate.  I don't think I ever ate more than two pieces.

Maybe three.  I also don't remember girls eating, although I'm sure they were welcomed.  But

having an eating contest to your credit isn't like being Homecoming Queen.

t

I thought of these contests recently when I watched the International Hot Dog Eating Contest

on TV.  It was the sixth annual one and it was held at Nathan's on Coney Island.  Nathan's Hot

Dogs aren't those skinny little finger dogs.  These are MAN SIZE DOGS.  And you have to eat

the bun and condiments including kraut.  It's also a time-based competition to see how many you can eat in 12 minutes.

 

Last year's winner was on hand.  He was a little Japanese guy.  I thought he would at least

look like a sumo wrestler.  But, no.  He was small.  And apparently most of the competitive

eaters aren't big and fat.  Fat people can't hold as much.  It's something about fat people having a small "first stomach".  But the Jap didn't win again this year and I was glad.  I still

haven't forgiven them about bombing Pearl Harbor.  I know this guy didn't bomb us, but his

grandfather might have.  And why is a Japanese person eating Nathan Hot Dogs?  Let them

eat sushi, is what I say.

 

Anyway an American guy won.  Guess how many he ate?  Wrong!  He ate 66 1/2 and it makes me gag even to write it.  And I love hot dogs. 

 

Soon after the contest I found that eating competitions have become a big thing.  It's not an Olympic sport (yet),  but it's a sport of sorts.  They even have MAJOR LEAGUE EATING, a

franchise just like baseball and football.  And you wonder why America is obese!  There's even an International Federation of Competitive Eating.  The name fills me with visions of members getting together eating everything in sight...paper plates, napkins, floral centerpieces, trays of bones.  Even tablecloths.

 

My oldest grandson was glad to discover there is a wing eating contest.  He thinks he might be able to win it.  I told him about the watermelons but he's still confident. Last year's winner ate 146 buffalo wings in 12 minutes.  That really doesn't seem like a lot.  My grandson could probably eat that many but I'm not buying him a tray of wings to practice which he is hoping I would.  When he was 8 years old he entered an apple eating contest and won.  It was suppose to be an applie pie eating contest but they had already eaten all the pies so they

switched to plain apples.  I was afraid my grandson was going to choke himself to death because he took huge bites and I don't think he chewed them much before swallowing.  I guess that's what you have to do to win.  The prize was a bucket of apples.  We booed.

 

In the U.S. there are more than 4,000 sanctioned competitive eating contests each year.

And the number is growing.  I guess people find it amusing to watch people stuff their faces

and overindulge. Many of the competitions are telecast on SPIKE and I imagine ESPN will

soon have a channel devoted to eating.

 

Here's just a sampling of what you might see: SPAM, hamburgers, cow brains, pizza, chili, corn dogs, cheesecakes, hardboiled eggs (winner last year ate 65 in 7 minutes),  burritos,

blueberry pies, meatballs, corned beef and cabbage, grits (they had the contest in Louisiana

but South Caroline is the Grits Capital of the World...the winner ate 21 pounds), waffles, jalapenos, french fries.  I wonder if they have Spring Training Camps?

 

Think you could win one of these?  Get out your eating bib!

 

Richard Shea says competitive eating  celebrates the individual freedom to strive and achieve;

to  express the innermost self and ideals found only in the laws of nature.  Sounds awfully high faluten for competive eating.  Maybe this quote was about Dancing With the Stars.