A Non-Tradditionalist, Except for Thanksgiving

I'm not a traditionalist about most things, but I've always been a traditionalist about Thanksgiving. The bird. The mashed potatoes. The lumpy gravy. The cranberry sauce. Spiced apples that decorate the turkey plate (and I've never seen anybody actually eat one. I've accused my wife of putting them back in the jar and saving them for next Thanksgiving!). Pumpkin pie and sweet potato pie. The works. We do not have those greenbeans with the soup and canned onion rings on top. We don't go that far. This year we're really breaking with tradition. We're going to Eleuthera. an island in the Bahamas. We'll probably be chewing batter-fried conch. It's as rubbery as a big rubber eraser and about as tasty. One of my daughters decided we needed an adventure. And I think it will be an adventure. She thinks she's taking a couple of frozen turkeys on the plane, but I told her they would more than likely think they were terrorist bombs. They don't even let guys take after shave lotion nowadays, much less two butterball turkeys. But I'm old enough to know you need to be FLEXIBLE when you're looking for an adventure. I've been to Eleuthera before. They don't even have running water. They catch rainwater in a cistern on top of the houses. But it's a beautiful place with beautiful people who all know how to bake coconut pies. This isn't the first time we have broken with tradition at Thanksgiving. Two years ago, we went to Washington, D.C. to spend Thanksgiving with our unmarried daughter. Just my wife and I went so my wife told my daughter, "Don't get a whole turkey. Just get a turkey breast. Nobody likes dark meat anyway." (She's the one who doesn't like dark meat!) My daughter got our turkey from QVC. A boneless breast of turkey that had been infused with Cajun spices. She got two...and they looked like small sheetcakes without the icing or candles. "It doesn't even look like a turkey," I complained. So my daughter went to the store and bought two wings and two legs. And she hooked them to the double breasts to fashion a bird. Wings make a bird, not legs. Once the double breasts were on the platter, I put prune nipples on them. Let me tell you, it was the strangest Thanksiving centerpiece I ever saw, but those Cajuns sure know how to infuse a bird. It was delicious; so juicy. We've never had better turkey! So to heck with tradition. (I'm convinced that all the people who used to watch Tammy Faye and Jim Baker on TV and donate money to their park now watch QVC and buy Cajun turkeys, Joan River jewels and what have you.) Now that I think about it, we broke with tradition last year as well. We had a Turduchen from QVC. I guess you have to be the kind of person who watches QVC to know that things like this even exist. A Turduchen is three birds in one...they start with a boneless turkey...stuff it with a boneless duck...and then stuff that with a boneless hen. I know it sounds repulsive and it looked like an oversized footbal, rather than something you would eat. But it was very tasty. It too had been injected with Cajun spices so I believe it was the touch of those crazy CAjuns that made it so good. I think I'll pack some Cajun spices for our trip to the island...see if we can make Cajun Conch Fritters. I hope all you readers have a wonderful Thanksgiving, traditional or non-traditional.

Chinese Food Like You've Never Seen

I took a friend of mine from Alabama to a real Chinese supermarket in Washington, D.C. It's a big market and has one of everything you've never seen or eaten. My friend loved it. He likes Bitter Melon and exotic teas. I went to the meat market where they had chicken feet, duck feet, pig dicks and pig uteruses. They had a section where they had cooked versions of most of the meats. We got some bar-b-qued chicken feet (they had clipped the toenails). I can't say they were very meaty but they were cheap. They were fresh out of pig's dicks and uteruses. I asked her if she would be cooking uteruses the next day. She said, "You must come very early you want pig uterus. Pig parts very popular. Go faster than Egg McMuffins at MacDonald's." Who would have guessed it?

70 Year Olds Doing the Jitterbug

I just went to my high school reunion in Maryland. I was graduated in 1954 and I had not seen many of the people in more than 50 years. They had made name tags with your photo from the yearbook thinking this would help us remember. I thought most of the women had aged fairly well. They take better care of themselves I think. There were a few old guys who had obviously dumped their first wives (or been dumped!) and they had young "chicky babes". You could spot these guys without seeing their wives. They were the ones with big smiles ear to ear and the ones who were popping Viagra pills like they were Chiclets. One of my old girlfriends asked me to slow dance but I am deaf and both of us were walking with canes. I suggested that we should probably sit the music out since it would be like dancing with six legs. Being from the 50's, we were a patriotic group. We had a Navy Chaplain lead us in songs. The Star Spangled Banner. The song for each branch of the service: Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines. I didn't remember the Army song. But a friend of mine years ago had given me a secret when you are group singing and you don't know the words. You just mouth the word "watermelon" over and over again to the general beat of the song. I think I may have inadvertently sang out WATERMELON, WATERMELON a couple of times because people turned to me with questioning looks on their faces. We had a dance contest. It was really strange to see so many oldsters doing the jitterbug. A few of the ladies had on poodle skirts. Remember those? I won first place in the nostalgia competition. This wasn't a dance. I brought pictures from high school days made into a poster. I had given numerous inappropriate captions. I noticed in some of the pictures my wife had given me (she was a year behind me), she was cuddling with two different guys. I had gone off to war and they moved in on her. Both of them are now dead so it sort of serves them right. Every time I asked about an absent classmate someone would say, "Oh, he's passed on." Or "she's passed on". I think one woman actually brought her husband's ashes. It was a no smoking building and the ashes had no cigarette butts in them. Part way through the evening someone passed a note at our table that said: THE BUS TO THE HOME LEAVES IN HALF AN HOUR. Most of us laughed. But one couple said, "O.K. Thanks. We'll be ready." A fraternity brother of mine whom I had not seen in 52 years suggested that me and my wife should come to Florida to see him. I said, "I have not seen you in 52 years. I have had no Christmas cards; no birthday cards; no e-mails, not even "forwards". And you seriously believe I would jump in my car and drive 7 hours in that horrible Florida traffic to visit you? I'll see you back here in another 52 years. And it will probably be another 52 years before I go to another reunion. The reunion was like a New Year's party where everyone is grunting to have a good time. There were lots of jewels and wigs. The women had some too. It seemed as if every old man had gold bracelets and gold chains. One friend told me the bracelets have magnets that help you improve your golf swing. I told him not to get too close to one of our friends who had a steel plate put it in head because of an accident. It would have been awful if his wrists were jerked up to the guy's head like those little black and white magnet dogs we used to have as kids. Actually it would have been funny. I shouldn't have mentioned it. The table conversation was mainly about various maladies that people had...toenail fungus, open heart surgery, cancer, restless leg syndrome. We talked about living wills. One guy said he had told his wife he did not want to be kept alive on a machine or with fluids being pumped into him. So she unplugged his TV and threw away all his beer. One person came in a long stretch limo. A white one being driven by a young woman in leather pants and a leather hat. He had been a high school drop out, but he was probably the most financially succesful person there. He finished school in the marines, then went to college and got two degrees. He owned his own computer company and now he spends his days counting his money. Everybody was excited when the limo arrived and the buzz was: "Who is it? Who is it?". I said, "Ringo Star." Someone else asked, "Did he go to our school?"