The Worst Salesman in the World

Years ago when I was a student at the University of 'Wisconsin, I got a call one day from a good friend of mine who announced that he has become a salesman.

 

 I yelled through the phone,  "You can't be a salesman."  He wanted to know why not.  I said, "You are totally devoid of personality.  A salesman has to have personality."

 

But George insisted that someone was going to teach him everything he needed to know to become a successful salesman.  I wanted to know if he was selling encyclopedias.  Those were popular with door to door salesmen back then although we didn't get too many of them because we lived on the third floor of an apartment building and carrying those books was too much for most of them.

 

George said he wasn't doing door to door sales.  He was selling only by appointments and he would be selling something every household needed: Kirby Vacuum Cleaners.  I laughed out loud.  We certainly didn't need a vacuum cleaner.  We had no rugs and very little furniture.  We were lucky to be able to afford a broom.

 

He wanted to make an appointment to come and demonstrate the Kirby Vacuum Cleaner but I

told him in no uncertain terms that we were not buying one of the things under any circumstance.

He told me he really needed some practice so he wasn't expecting us to buy.  But I figured that was what they had trained him to say.  Then he said he would give us a free case of Pepsi's if I would allow him to demonstrate the machine. I was still reluctant but in my heart I knew he would never be able to talk me into buying anything so I finally said o.k.  He wanted to know if the "lady of the house" would be there for the demo. I said, "You mean my wife, Carol?"  He said we both had to be present in order to qualify for the free drinks.

 

When he came over he really had to struggle to get the Kirby up the steps.  They weigh more than a set of encyclopedias...and I made him go back down and bring the Pepsi's up.  I didn't

trust him. I wanted the Pepsi's in the apartment before we started.

 

I kept laughing as he got his equipment out because he had memorized the sales pitch word for

word.  He said we would be amazed at how much dirt the Kirby would pick up out of the rugs.

I reminded him, pointing to the floor, that we had no rugs. 

 

"I'll do the couch then," he said, "You'll be amazed at how much dirt the Kirby will pull out of the

couch."  I reminded him that the couch was brand new; we had just got it from Sears the week

before.

 

"No matter.  You will be amazed.  I'll put the upholstery cleaner on and show you how filthy

and germ ridden your couch is."

 

He turned on the Kirby and it sounded like an airplane engine.  He made one swipe down the seat of the couch...and it sucked four buttons off!

 

"Look what you've done, you nut.  You have ruined our new couch.  This is going to cost you more than a case of Pepsi's."  I yelled.

 

He told me he could get the buttons out of the Kirby.  But getting them back on the couch was

what I wanted.

 

Next he wanted to do our mattress and moved into the bedroom.  I had painted the room.  I wanted a bold pink color but it came out more red, so I had painted watermelon seeds on the

wall.  He wanted to know if I wanted him to suck the seeds off the wall.  I made him  move out

of the bedroom.

 

We went into the kitchen and before I knew what was happening, he turned on the Kirby to

do the curtains...and it sucked them right off the rods.  "I guess I should have put it on low",

he said.  He also sucked up a three foot high bean plant.  I had been studying about germination in botany class and had germinated some pinto beans.  The bean plant was like Jack in the

Beanstalk.  It had taken off right toward Heaven and I was encouraging it by having daily talks

with it.  But now it had been sucked into a Kirby along with all  the bean seeds and what little

dirt was left in the pot.

 

"You've got to leave," I yelled at him.

 

"But we haven't talked about price yet," he insisted.

 

"We don't need to talk about price,  George, because I have absolutely no intention of buying

one of these things. It sucked the buttons off my couch, you idiot."

 

"Other than that, how did my presentation go?" he wanted to know.

 

"You were incredible.  Incrediably bad."  I felt like I was speaking from the heart.

 

George kept trying to sell the Kirby's using the free Pepsi's as a foot in the door.  He worked for

about four months and after not selling a single Kirby, he decided to quit.  He owed the company

$l87.00 for all the Pepsi's he had given away.  Probably the first salesman that had to pay his own company.  And that's bad.