Getting Ready for Fly Season

I hate flies.  And  I hate them most at this time of the year because as the weather gets colder

they start dying off.  And because they know they are going to die anyway, they start opening the door and coming in the house...flying around and landing on your nose...they know no fear.  They are like Kamikazi pilots with four feet.

 

I am not a hateful person by nature, but I sure hate flies.  I must have had a swarm of them attack me when I was a baby out for a stroll.  They probably ate my ice cream cone.

 

I am a collector.  I collect lots of different things.  If you have three of something, technically you have a "collection".  So I have a fly swatter collection.  My fly swatter collection includes one that

functions as a wall clock.  There's a big black fake fly on the second hand...so  as the clock ticks

away, the fly moves around.  I have another one that's shaped like a big screen hand.  Then I have some home made fly swatters...a friend of mine calls them "make do" fly swatters because they

were put together by poor people who had to use whatever was at hand to make them. One of my make do swatters has a ruler for a handle.  And I yell, "Joe Rules!" when I smash a fly with it.

 

I spent a summer in Maine one year...in a wildlife preserve.  And I think it must have been dedicated to preserving dreaded black flies.  They are the biggest and meanest flies I have ever

met.  And you never see a word about them when you read Maine tourism literature.  They are always writing about their lobsters, but their flies are bigger than lobsters..  If they showed the dreaded black flies in their literature, their tourism business would die out.  You need more than a regular fly swatter to combat these things.  I tried to hit one with a regular swatter and he grabbed it, swatted me on the head and flew away with it.  You can see why they aren't featured on Maine's website.

 

If you mention these black flies to somebody from Maine, the person will absolutely deny their existence.  It's like people from the coastal area of South Carolina who deny that we have huge

flying cockroaches.  We call them Palmetto Bugs. But a roach is a roach.  And you can't kill

these things with a fly swatter.  It's no use to put out one of those Roach Motels where the roaches

check in but they don't check out.  These South Carolina roaches don't check out because they

eat the motel.  I tell my wife, "you just have to learn to live with them."  But she still jumps up on the couch if one goes scampering by...as if they can't jump up on the couch.   The minute

she goes to bed, they all jump up in her spot, sit and watch tv.

 

The last time I was in Jackson, Mississippi, I stayed in a Brand Name Hotel.  My daughter makes my reservations and I have told her if the person who answers sounds forgeign, not

to make it.  I know this sounds discriminatory..and it is.  Quite a while ago, Indians (not

the American kind but the ones from India) have started buying up motels. First it was the

Mom and Pop type, but now they own chain and name brand ones.  When I got to Jackson

and checked in, there was a young college-looking guy at the desk...but the lobby was filled

with flies.  I mentioned this to the guy.  He just shrugged and said, "The place is owned by

Indians.  They don't kill anything.  They have a goat in their room." I don't think people should be in the hospitality business if they keep goats in their room.  And his comment is not

true about them not killing things.. They kill chickens.  And if they can kill chickens, they can damn well kill flies.  When I

went to my room,  it too was filled with flies.  I went back to the lobby and asked to have

the manager come down.  He did and I explained about the flies and that I wanted him to go

to Wal-Mart and get me a fly swatter.  But he started that routine about the fact that they might

be reincarnated relatives, etc.  I asked him, "Does your grandmother have big buggy eyes and

four legs with poop on them?  Because if she does, she is flying around in my room and I'm going to swat her with USA TODAY unless you get me a fly swatter."  He said he would come and collect the flies.  He actually shooed them out of the room with a towel.  I thought he would probably bring the goat down and let them light on him.