No Wonder I Don't Have a Job

According to the WSJ, you have to be damned careful when you go for a job interview nowadays. Even before you get out of the car. If you park in a handicapped space and you don't have a sticker and a limp, you're out already. Even the receptionist is making notes for your dossier. Don't try to come on to her and don't scratch your nuts. Or pick your nose. If you go to the bathroom, they can hear whether you turn on the sink water so they know if you're the type who washes his hands after he goes pee-pee or poo-poo. I always wash my manos (that's hands in Spanish) but I do it before I pee. I mean, my privates are probably the cleanest part of my body so I want to wash my hands before I touch it. Makes a lot of sense to me. Why wash your hands afterwards? Unless of course you are under-endowed in the genitles department and wee-wee on your hands. At least dry them off before you go in for your job interview. A clammy palm is not a good sign whether it's sweat or your urine. And don't forget to zip up your fly. (When I was President of an ad agency, I interviewed a guy who came in with his fly unzipped...one of our female Vice Presidents had interviewed him and he had made a "good impression". Sure. Sure. He would have. But he didn't make a good impression on me. She slipped me a note saying that I should tell him his fly was open. Not in a million years. I remember in the 9th grade telling one of my good friends this and he wanted to know why I was inspecting his crotch. Once burned is enough. I slipped the note back to her and said, "You tell him. He's your candidate." After the interview, she was still high on the guy but I kept saying, "He walks around with his pants unzipped." Then she would say, "It's a Brooks Brothers' suit." She was very status oriented. I finally gave in and we hired him. Big mistake. The guy was stupid. We had given him one of our biggest accounts...fortunately the people liked me so the ad manager was kind enough to tell me, "The guy walks into my office and the hair stands up on the back of my neck. I can't stand him. Give me a different person. Soon. Very soon." So I did. I called my guy in to tell him...decided I would do a performance review and then tell him. Basically I told him that the client hated his guts and never wanted to see him again, even at an office party....that I was taking the account away from him immediately. As he walked out the door, he turned and said, "Does this mean I'm not getting a raise?" I said, "No, no. Not at all. It means that you are FIRED, you dummy.") So if you are due to go for a job interview either zip up or go in naked. And don't pick your nose...and if you feel that you must, don't flick it or stick it on the bottom of your chair. Stuff it back up where it came from.