Show Me Your Tongue

I am a renowned tongue portrait photographer; the world's most famous and perhaps the ONLY tongue portrait photographer. I realized years ago that no one else was taking pictures of tongues so it was a wide open field. At first I would approach people on the street and say, "Give me some tongue." After being hit a few times, I changed my approach. I opened a Tongue Portraiture Shoppe and advertised in the Yellow Pages under "Tongue Pictures". In the studio, I had many empty picture frames. When customers would come in, they would select a picture frame that pleased them. I would have them hold it up and put their face in it before sticking out their tongues. This way when the picture was developed and printed, it already had a frame on it. Basically I followed the Wal-Mart practice of giving them a "package deal" whereby they got one 8x10, two 5x7's, and a hundred wallet size pictures...all for $l9.95. Business was slow at first because many people did not understand the signifance of an extended tongue. It is a sign of hospitality in New Guinea. When someone approaches you, you stick out your tongue in welcome...they stick there's out back at you. This is much more sanitary than shaking hands and much, much better than doing what dogs do. (What are they doing when they sniff each other's ass?) I might also add that the tongue is a much better sign of hospitality than a pineapple. To appeciate the tongue, one must understand that tongues do NOT age...they are forever young. Go to a nursing home and check this out. Most of the people there can't keep their tongues in their mouths so it is easy to check. They look old, but their tongues are young looking. Tongues are like snowflakes...no two are alike. For this reason, I wrote to the FBI and suggested that they make Tongue Prints for finding criminals and for ID purposes instead of doing fingerprints. With fingerprints, you have to do TEN images, whereas most people only have one tongue so one tongue print will do the trick. Of course it means that those who are tongue printed will go around with black tongues for a long, long time. But this is better "profiling" than doing racial profiling. I also wrote to the State Department suggesting that they use tongue portraits instead of regular mug shots. Nobody looks like their passport pictures anyway. But with tongue pictures, it would be quick and easy to check them out...people just stick out their tongues as they pass quickly through the gates. And because tongues don't change, you would never have to renew your passport. I have not heard from the FBI or the State Department. But oddly enough, I have seen Men in Black near my house. I'm going to try and get a photo of their tongues. I am seriously considering franchising my idea: TONGUES R US. We could expand into doing school photos...think of having pictures of your childrens' tongues at all ages and grades. And, of course, we could offer Christmas card photos with the whole family --- and the dog --- with tongues extended in holiday fashion. Want a picture of MY tongue? I bet you do, you pervert.